This week while visiting Barcelona, Spain I decided to take the Euro Rail System to southeast France. Although I really wanted to see the main sites in the city, It was very important to me to see the country side and unusual sites in the country as well. As I awaited at the Barcelona-Sants Rail Station my anxiety levels rose so deeply, like I’ve never felt before. A feeling of the uncertainty, just took over me, fear of the unknown, getting even further away from home. But once I boarded that train and saw the amazing view of endless fields of wild flowers…field and fields of them, small villages full of life and joy, remarkable untouched country land, people living in peace and complete happiness. No expectations, just living day to day and as they please I got a great sense of peace and remembered why I boarded that train.
I got to talking with the train conductor, we talked about Spain and its beautiful landscape, the economy there and the culture. I explained that I started documenting through a travel blog my travels which I’d just started with. He provided great advise, a friendly face and good conversation to a solo girl traveler who without his knowledge was in dire need of it. Suddenly he says turn around or you will miss the view, welcome to Costa Brava!
As I turned view of cove beaches and waterfront villages shined before my eyes, it was breathtaking. What a view, what a town! As I arrived in France I asked the border control officers for guidance to the town, they gave me direction to a walking tunnel that would take me there. When I saw the entrance to the tunnel two things came to my mind, admiration for one of the most beautiful graffiti art murals I’d ever seen and speculation of me a woman traveling alone entering a completely desolated tunnel in an unknown place. It was a scary feeling, I couldn’t help but doubt myself, yet again; was I going the right way? Did I make the wrong turn? Will i get hurt if I go in that tunnel? Who on earth would help me when I’m a continent and ocean away from those who care about me? But then I said to myself, this is what’s gotten me here, self-doubt, lack of belief and trust in myself and my judgment, so I went on. While admiring the boringly colorful beauty of the mural, I couldn’t help but feel it was the longest walking tunnel I’d ever been in and that unfortunately awful feeling of self-doubt crept up on me once again. I kept on however and then I saw a bright shinning light and heard voices of workers, french handy men doing repairs. As I got closer to the light I saw the sun shinning on water, a few steps later there i t was, the mediterranean sea, the majestic, astonishing and extraordinary view of Collioure/Cerbere, Beach, France.
Overwhelmed by an extreme feeling of happiness and pride I cried, I actually sobbed. I couldn’t even take photos I was literally floored by my delightfully life changing surprise that was Cerbere. I sat on the beach for hours! Admiring the sea glass, the turquoise water, the mountains, the people and their calm way of life, sound of birds chirping, dogs enjoy the ocean, the admirable eco-infrastructure and how they managed to develop around their village, not through it, how untouched yet perfectly developed one place could be… I even missed my intended train back to Spain because of it, but it was well worth it. I couldn’t help but think, that I had found the answer that I seeked and although you may think it is very cliche it is my truth. I have found my happy, my light at the end of the tunnel. And that is be because I now understand and know the root of what I have struggled with for many years and how deeply it's affecting me, and that is self-doubt and lack of confidence in myself and my own judgement. I now know that in order to not let others define me I must trust and love me again! I need to never doubt again my instincts and understand that no matter how uncertain things may sound or seem it is all worth, it is worth it to believe in me. Because when I believe in myself and as long as I continue to do so there will always, not matter what the adversity or the heartbreak, be light at the end of the tunnel that is life, my life. Believing in myself, who know it was that simple? How crazy that I even lost it… A woman as strong and fierce as I was, ready to take the wold by storm. But now I know the answer and have the tools I need to be me again.. Merci France!
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